Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons and welcome to Joy Lab.
Aimee: And I'm Aimee Prasek. Here at Joy Lab, we infuse science with soul to help you build your resilience and uncover your joy. And today we are talking about connections. So I think a big question is how do I create more connections, deeper relationships in my life? And we're gonna just, it's a huge topic, we're just gonna talk about two little things, I think today. The first is [00:01:00] something called Third Places. And then, second, we've touched on this before, but I think it's just a perfect compliment here is, something that we call building a house of belonging, which comes from a David Whyte poem. So in earlier episodes, we also talked about this concept of moai, this Japanese tradition ofthis community that you grew up in, that has these deep, supportive connections that are built in.
If you haven't been in a situation where you've had an arranged friendship, where everybody's assembled all the people in your life, it can be very intimidating, it can be difficult to build, these deep relationships at times. And so that's what we want to dig into a little bit more here.
I'll talk about Third Places first. And then Henry, if you want to talk a little bit about building a house of belonging, I think these two things will come together nicely. So, Third Place theory was proposed [00:02:00] by a sociologist, Ray Oldenburg, and he described here's, here's the definition of Third Place. A Third Place is a public space anchored around a shared activity or interest and it's a place where you can regularly connect with both folks that you know and also strangers.
Which I think is an important point. So a Third Place is different from your home. our home is our first place. And then your workplace is often called your second place. So this is the Third Place.And for a Third Place, you can imagine Cheers. That's a good example, I'd say. Like, what happened when Norm came in?
What did everybody yell?
Henry: Norm!
Aimee: Right! People know your name. They're always glad you came. You want to be where you are seen. Our troubles are all the same. You want to be where everybody knows your name. That's the Cheers theme song. It is the [00:03:00] perfect sort of description of a Third Place.And Cheers is actually a really good example as well, because Third Places often in the past had been bars and churches as well, sort of the two sides, I don't know, of the spectrum of the pendulum.
That's why they were on every corner. And Oldenburg even highlights this. Third Places should be on the corner. They should be easy to get to, they should be accessible to all, sort of these, kind of a fabric of the community. So, bars are doing fine. We still have those. Churches, not so much, right?
There's declining membership there. So a lot of folks actually have lost their Third Place who maybe had church as one of their Third Places. But it's not just church attendance that's wrecked Third Places for many folks. I think there's some factors here that stand out. I want to note them. So one, folks are just working oftentimes too [00:04:00] many hours, I think, either by choice or because their job doesn't pay enough to meet basic needs.
So you you're, you're working multiple jobs. You don't have necessarily, that second place that's fostering community and then you don't have time for a Third Place. Another factor, overscheduled families, kids with five activities throughout the week. You just, again, don't have enough time for a Third Place.
Also, I think, interestingly, working from home, which is something we do on our team, but is different, as far as how second places used to be. Those were generally in person places. And so now, for folks who are working from home, in some ways they've lost their second place as well. Right? So their first and second place have molded into one.
And of course the pandemic didn't help. it took second and Third Places away for a lot of folks, and I don't think we've really recovered from that. So I also want to note that I think digital Third [00:05:00] Places can be great, but yet, it is still different than a physical place
where a variety of folks can gather. That's that sort of stranger's piece, the opportunity to build new connections and hear from a diversity of folks that matters in Third Places. Digital Third Places are more curated. They're more homogenous. They literally lack human touch. Of course, for folks who have trouble getting to a physical space, those digital Third Places can be powerful.
So, I think all that to say, Third Places are really key to tap into our sense of connectedness individually and collectively. There's good research on these and it doesn't have to be a bar. It doesn't have to be a church. It could be a library, a coffee shop, a deli, a park, a skate park, a book club, a basketball court.
There's so many options here. for me, my Third Place is the YMCA. Very much my Third Place. [00:06:00] So I think the cue there for folks is maybe start thinking about what might a Third Place be for you? What's accessible? Where is there a place where you can gather around a shared interest or activity, and where a diversity of folks are coming into the space?
Additionally, here's this transition, Henry, I think it'd be helpful to talk about,building a house of belonging. Because we've got the way you speak about it, it really talks about who do we want in our house as well? So when we're going to these Third Places and we're connecting with folks and then finding that deeper sense of connection, that house of belonging, I think those two things can fit well together.
So do you want to speak more about creating a house of belonging? Maybe how Third Places can help feed into that house?
Henry: Sure. I also am struck by something that I think is included in what you're saying, Aimee, about these Third Places, [00:07:00] and that is that our sense of connection and even our sense of belonging does not always have to mean a long term or really deep relationship. That these Third Places are,these encounters are so often very brief, but they can be very meaningful, very impactful. And I think there's, the research on this in terms of mood and depression is pretty compelling that you can have these very micro moments of connection with somebody that immediately will lift your mood. And it might even be as simple as standing in line at I don't know, I'm going to just say the ice cream shop, and you're talking to somebody,who's excited about getting their ice cream.
Just, just something that seems on the surface of it [00:08:00] to be frivolous or surfacy, but it's, it's a meaningful momentary connection that still is really good for us, and I think it, we, we want a deeper relationships and sense of belonging too, but let's not overlook the importance of having these, these brief but more frequent encounters.
I actually think that was one of the things that made the pandemic lockdown so hard was that we just, all of a sudden lost all of that.
Aimee: That's a
Henry: Yeah. So, just to, yeah, to, to switch a little bit and talk about that deeper creation of having a real sense of belonging in the world. Years ago, when I was really first researching and thinking through my own perspective of why is depression and why is anxiety so much more common, seemingly, than it used to be [00:09:00] generations ago. And I, I believe that it is actually more common. but there's probably lots of reasons for that. And I explore a lot of them, including, even the quality of our food and the, amount that we move our bodies and the amount that we sleep and all of those things which are super important.
But I am really convinced in my own mind that perhaps the most important factor is that so many people now feel isolated and disconnected. They don't have the sense of belonging or the sense of, being part of something. And I think you, you were pointing to this, Aimee, in that research that you mentioned about Third Places, which is that throughout virtually all of human history until recently we had this built in that, you know we had tribe that we were a part of or we had a [00:10:00] small rural agricultural community that we grew up in. Or, it might have been a city but you had a strong neighborhood or a church or an ethnic group or, there's all these things that you didn't have to create it, it was built for you. And those institutions to a large degree are not there anymore. They're not doing the work for us. So we have to do it ourselves. And that earlier episode that we did on this concept of moai, which is a Japanese term and a concept that was brought out in the Blue Zones research.
And the idea being that the people who had this longevity and were healthy, really healthy way into their late years, that one of the factors was that they had these groups that they called moai that supported one anotherthroughout their lifetimes. Well, and, and many, in many cases, it, [00:11:00] apparently, these were begun in childhood or adolescence and they just kept them.
Now that is a beautiful thing, but that requires, at least in some way, it requires that you are stable, that you, that you don't move, that you're in the same community you grew up in, or, at least you have the same small group of connections that you've always had. We can still do that, but again, it's not as easy for us now because we're so mobile.
We move around, we lose those connections so easily. So the, the point being that we are left to ourselves to do this, at least to a degree.
We, we cannot rely on it being done for us in the way that it used to be. So in the earlier episode where we talked about building a house of belonging, carrying out that metaphor that, just like when you're building a house, you want to create a good [00:12:00] blueprint, a plan that's first created in your mind and then that if you have a really good, solid, detailed blueprint, it's just obviously so much easier to create the building, the house,to manifest that in the world. So it's starting with the mind, creating a very strong, good visualization. And there are some meditations that, that we can post in the show notes that give people a sense of how to do that. I want to say one other thing about this that I have seen in my own life, and I am very lucky to be part of several of these kind of groups that are long standing and we know that we will be there for one another if it's needed. And it didn't start necessarily in childhood, but it's in many cases it's been going on for years in my life. But one [00:13:00] of the things that it, it really seems to require that need to have at least one person who is willing tobring this group together. And in the examples that I'm thinking of in my life That person is not me, actually, I'm not the one doing it, it's somebody else who, it might be as simple as, I have a group of four male friends that I often walk, we'd go for a long walk together on a Saturday morning, well there's one member of that group who just sends out a text to the rest of us, and if he's not in town, it doesn't generally happen.
But when he's around, he'll send a text out, we get together, we have a great time, even if it's just two of us. But again, it does require that one person. And so, like I said, it's [00:14:00] often not me doing this. I can't think of a good example where I'm the one. But, if I didn't have these things in my life, I think that I would, or at least I would very much want to, knowing that it does require that.
You can create this blueprint in your mind, which is a kind of a first step of a mindful approach to this. But you also then have to act, and you have to take your ideas and manifest them in the world in some way and that is a very simple straightforward action that you can take even if it's just one other person or two or three that you want to get together with and on a semi regular basis, it doesn't even have to be that formal. But choose those people, try to pick people that at least you think are going to be positive and helpful for your own mental health just to be around them. And just try it, [00:15:00] see what happens, see if it's something that could stick. And if it means that every time you're the one that has to send out the reminder or convene this, this informal group, then be that person. It's a, it might be a stretch for some of us, but with a huge, huge payoff.
Aimee: Yeah, that courageous action of that text message or phone call or email has huge payoff, like you said, Henry. And if that is hard, find that person who you know is that great organizer. Bring them into the house.
Henry: Yeah.
Aimee: Head to a Third Place and find the person who set up the bracket for the pickleball tournament.
Tell that person you want them in your friend circle because they'll be probably assembling gatherings as well.Right, so I hope this is a helpful conversation thinking about Third Places and then sort of the little steps. Further than that, these, opportunities to create a house of belonging, [00:16:00] both are different forms of connection and they're both really important.
Thanks for joining us!: So to close our time today, I'm going to share some wisdom from the very great thinker and author, Maya Angelou. Here's what she said about friendships. "Friendship takes work. Finding friends, nurturing friendships, scheduling face time, it all takes a tremendous amount of work, but it's worth it. If you put in the effort, you'll see the rewards of positive friends who will make your life extraordinary." Thank you for listening to the Joy Lab podcast. If you enjoy today's show, visit JoyLab.coach to learn more about the full Joy Lab program. Be sure to rate and review us wherever you listen to your favorite podcasts.
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