Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach
Henry: Hello, I'm Henry Emmons, and welcome to Joy Lab.
Aimee: And I'm Aimee Prasek. Here at Joy Lab, we infuse science with soul to help you build resilience and uncover your joy. And today we are opening virtual letters from our community mailbox to answer. And this one is from a community member interested in how we can build deep relationships, deep connections, those kinds of relationships that are powerful factors in our wellbeing.
And this member brought up [00:01:00] a Japanese tradition known as Moai, as an example of what this might look like. So, I don't know a whole lot about this tradition. But I'll share some insights from Blue Zones, which is the organization, or before they were called that, the group who was looking at communities with these long lifespans in the world, and they were looking for factors that might contribute toward that quality longevity.
And this tradition of Moai was noted. So Blue Zones defined Moai as a Moai would be a group of lifelong friends, also defined as a kind of a social support group that forms in order to provide varying supports from social, financial, health, and spiritual interests.
They also noted that traditionally, some of these Moai groups were formed in early adolescence by adults in the community. [00:02:00] I think this is very cool. So kids would be arranged into these groups of about five or so, and that would be their Moai. So that would be that support group, that would last throughout their lifetimes.
Now, you can just think of how mobile we are now. Folks don't necessarily stay in their hometowns like they used to, so it makes it, I think, hard to establish those kinds of lifelong relationships. And many of us didn't have adults that put us into groups of five. But I also don't think that means we can't have these types of deep supportive relationships.
They just may not be set up in that way. They might need a little bit more attention and fostering. So in the past here at the podcast, we've talked a lot about the power of social connection as it relates to mood, resilience, overall well being. We've even touched a bit on the quantity, this idea that you don't need a ton of friends.
[00:03:00] Likely the amount that you can count on one hand is sufficient, maybe two hands for you extra extroverts. That is enough to satisfy this very human need of having these deep, safe, loving connections. We do need to put some effort in. We are social species, even the introverts. What do you want to share here as well, Henry, about the power of connection or this practice of Moai?
Henry: Yeah, so this is really interesting. I have never heard of this term before. I think that it's a really beautiful example of kind of creating these, safety nets and this, just this way of being in the world that you absolutely know you are not totally on your own.
For years, I did a series of programs for people recovering from depression. And by and large, these were folks who had [00:04:00] had kind of longstanding problems and weren't really getting better with treatment as usual. And so in the groups, we did a lot of different things. We included lifestyle medicine, things like exercise and changes to diet and focus on sleep.
But we also did a lot with mindfulness practices, including this sense of opening up your heart with the goal of being more deeply connected in the world. And I am convinced that the two most important factors in who got better and who didn't were those who were able to really work on this, this notion of self acceptance, of really being able to be more compassionate and kind towards yourself.
But the second variable was [00:05:00] those who really took this importance of connection to heart and really worked on it. And it's, it's not that you have to have it already built into your lives. It's something that can be added. It really is a skill, just like all these other skills we talk about.
I'll give a recent example from my own life. So in my family right now, we are dealing with a long term health problem, and it's really been taxing. It's, it's taken a lot of, a lot of energy, a lot of time, and emotional energy and so forth. And it's,after a while, anybody who's experienced something like this, you know, it, it's depleting. You kind of get worn down by it. So some friends of ours, came up with this plan to offer a meal train.
So a meal train, as many people know, it's a way of kind of using, I don't know, I guess you'd call it social [00:06:00] media. It's using an app or, a website to, to create this somewhat formalized way of people providing food, bringing meals over to you. It's, it's, it's like what I imagined the Moai folks would have done, if someone in their small group had a need like this.
And it has just been wonderful. It's kind of hard sometimes to let people help you. I will, I will admit that. But it's just been sort of a revelation and just a beautiful thing, I think for everyone, the people who are helping as well as us receiving it. And it just feels like it's one of these things that everybody wins. everybody gets something from it. Plus, we're getting a lot of really good food that I can guarantee you we would not be having if left to my devices. So it's been just really [00:07:00] wonderful. You feel so supported, which is just a great thing when going through something like this.
Aimee: Yeah, food is healing, too, just that alone. I bet those Moai groups had a, had a banquet at least monthly. Some type of gathering around food.
Henry: Yeah.
Aimee: So Henry, the other thing that just that story that you shared, it reminds me of, and will cite research, but, they were looking at really factors of longevity as well in this study and overall well being. And one of the key factors that they identified was this, sort of this idea that you could call somebody and express your struggles, your, your suffering, what's happening, whatever you needed to get off your chest.
If you had somebody that you could call, one person, you are much likely to live longer than somebody who didn't have that. I think that's [00:08:00] kind of beautiful. And then there's been more discussion on this study of like, what, what is that about? And I love this interpretation, again, I can't remember who said this piece, I will find, I will cite correctly who shared this, but the idea was that those folks who actually were willing to make that call and who had somebody to make that call were able to accept love. It wasn't that they, were the most skilled friendship builders necessarily. It was that they were able to accept love. And as you're sharing that story of a meal train and accepting support and love from the community around you, that really made me think of that. That one of these skills, not just building relationships, like that can be scary. I think Making friends is hard, especially when you're an adult. Things get weird sometimes. I watch my five year old and we go to the YMCA and she has a new best friend every Saturday. I'm like, God, how do you [00:09:00] do it? I get so anxious trying to make a new friend, but to flip it and it's, you know, it doesn't have to be about me.
It doesn't have to be about my skills necessarily. All about me and how I'm doing with my friendship skills. Am I able to accept love?
Henry: yeah, yeah,
Aimee: What does that make you think?
Henry: That totally resonates with my experience in this, this meal train kind of thing. And it's not just that, it's other things, people, inviting me to do something with them that they wouldn't have had before. And my willingness to accept it. And, it doesn't have to be a big thing. When someone just offers something of themselves, and then I am able to accept it. I think it's just as you said, Aimee, that is, that kind of opening yourself up and being able to accept love, being able to accept kindness, [00:10:00] to accept generosity from others. You know, we talk a lot, in Joy Lab about cultivating these kinds of, of qualities in us, things like generosity, like compassion, but this kind of flips it, it's, it's cultivating the ability to receive those things.
And I think it's every bit as important. It is a both and, it's a two way experience that does just as much good, I'm convinced of this, does just as much good for the giver as the receiver. And, and being able to, to really practice both ends of that I think is, is part of what makes us, whole human beings, and I think it's probably one of the real jewels that can come from going through a really hard time, from suffering in [00:11:00] some way, that, that capacity to, open yourself up and receive.
Yeah
Aimee: Yeah, I think that's so perfectly said, it's such a give and take. so I hope that answering of this question, I don't know if we answered the question, but as we talk about this idea of moai, how that takes shape in our own lives and how we can cultivate a community, even just a small group, doesn't have to be five.
Maybe it's that one friend. That there's some effort there to build those relationships and there's a surrendering and acceptance of that love as well. It's that beautiful, give and take.To close, I want to share some wisdom from Maya Angelou. I think she describes this quite perfectly. Here's what she wrote. "My great hope is to laugh as much as I cry, to get my work done and to try to love somebody and have the courage to accept the love in return."
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