Welcome to Joy Lab!: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Joy Lab podcast, where we help you uncover and foster your most joyful self. Your hosts, Dr. Henry Emmons and Dr. Aimee Prasek, bring you the ideal mix of soulful and scientifically sound tools to spark your joy, even when it feels dark. When you're ready to experiment with more joy, combine this podcast with the full Joy Lab program over at JoyLab.coach.
Aimee: Welcome to Joy Lab. I'm Aimee Prasek. I'm here all alone as well. Um, and whenever this happens, I have that moment, like I left my kid in the car when Henry's not here. So, I wanted to drop in with this episode to talk a little bit about an interesting phenomenon called backdraft.
So as you may know, here at Joy Lab, we infuse science with soul to help you uncover joy. And we use these elements of joy, those positive inner states and [00:01:00] emotions, um, that really become the building blocks for a joyful life. And we're, we're talking about self-compassion in the last string of episodes and this phenomenon of backdraft is a really interesting obstacle with self-compassion and with some of the other elements of joy and with just the practice of mindfulness as well.
So I know all of these elements of joy sounds so great, right? Like if you just start practicing them, then you are a gravy train on biscuit wheels, as my husband would say. But sometimes doing things that can really help us just don't feel so good right away. And you know, just getting into a habit is tough enough.
But beyond that, sometimes these good for us things, particularly these mind -body practices that we often talk about here at Joy Lab can actually feel really uncomfortable right away. Like stomach churning bad or [00:02:00] anxiety producing bad. And that's what I wanna explore with you all today. That's that concept of backdraft.
So I'm not talking about the movie Backdraft. Let me be clear. Even though we usually rely on sound science right next to TV and movies from the nineties and two thousands to sort of drive home our points here at Joy Lab. Uh, but today I'm using this word backtrack as it's described in the field of fire science and how it's been used as a metaphor in psychology, I think introduced by self-compassion researcher Dr. Chris Germer. So hang with me here, I wanna describe this phenomenon a bit because I'm pretty sure you'll be able to see yourself in it or someone you know.
So this fire science term backdraft, describes this phenomenon that starts as an under-ventilated fire, like a, a fire burning in a tightly closed up space with no windows or doors open.[00:03:00]
The fire has consumed all the oxygen it can, and it needs more to continue burning, but without any more oxygen, everything starts to just heat up and smoke. And the physical objects start to degrade and separate and create all these volatile compounds. So for a period of time, you have a situation where if oxygen comes in,
if that sealed up room suddenly gets open, these volatile gases can speed out and they can ignite. And not only that, that force from that process can roar out creating a fireball. That's backdraft, it can be rapid and destructive. You're probably feeling the metaphor here. It's this idea that we can create this closed up space, uh, this under-ventilated space inside ourselves.
It's a space filled with the world's judgments and -isms combined with our own self-judgment, self-hatred, [00:04:00] self-criticism, and then we don't let the oxygen in at the very least just to balance this stuff out. And our oxygen are things like self-compassion, self-kindness, and all these other elements of joy we work with here at Joy Lab.
So without any permeability, like we talked about in episode 23, with all this harsh stuff coming in and no oxygen to ease it, this space inside us gets really volatile. We get pretty volatile. And so of course we wanna relieve it. We wanna soothe that fiery discomfort, so we might ignore it, like taking the batteries out of the smoke detector. Which is nice when you're sick of hearing the alarm, but it's short-lived.
And so to not get burned so bad, then we might self-medicate. And all of this volatility in us with no root out, we might also breathe it out when we're too full, like yelling at our kids or [00:05:00] coworkers or partners, road-raging, we get more violent in our words and actions with others and ourselves. It's just not our natural state, that closed up state.
So our system has to expel it in some way, bit by bit. And if we don't consciously try to open that space up, bring in the oxygen, it just forces its way out, you know, little bits by little bit expel or like a volcano, at some point it erupts. So you can probably imagine then what might happen when we consciously open that space within with something like self-compassion.
If you're like me, I have that tendency to make that big initial effort go big or go home. I want it all right now. So we kick that door open. And send in a flood of oxygen and all that pent up stuff, that anger, that burning energy of self-judgment, self-criticism, [00:06:00] feelings of unworthiness, all that volatile stuff can surge out and we can really feel it.
It's a backdraft of emotions and sensations that can be too intense to stay with. In the Mindful Self-Compassion Program where this metaphor, backdraft is commonly used, they use this statement when referring to these surging emotions. They say, love reveals anything unlike itself, and that makes sense on a really basic level. Our brain has brilliant as it is, loves to make really quick comparisons to try and keep us safe.
And to make sense of the world. So we practice self-compassion and to make sense of it, our brain can dig out all the memories of its opposite, all the times we've been so terrible to ourselves. It can unearth the junk we've pushed down, the memories of self-criticism, get louder, recollections of self [00:07:00] hatred rise up.
Our brains are like, "Hey, look at all the things that are not self-compassionate that you've done!" And then we face this possibility, on top of this, that maybe all these opposites, all these times we were terrible to ourselves, weren't helpful. That maybe we could have been much kinder to ourselves this whole time and we'd be in much better shape.
That's a lot to hold. I like philosopher Aldous Huxley's wisdom here. He said, "It's a little embarrassing that after 45 years of research and study, the best advice I can give people is to be a little kinder to each other." So there's some solid science there, but also a common realization. It can be embarrassing and painful to realize that we've made everything harder for ourselves.
So it's logical to be like viscerally opposed to this self-acceptance stuff, this self [00:08:00] compassion stuff. It may not feel good at first. And you might be faced with all these examples that what you've been taught for 10, 20, or 40 or more years has been hurting you, that this being nice to yourself stuff might actually have served you better.
I know I was stuck in that space, that regret over having spent so many years making it worse for myself. But that's what's sneaky I think about self criticism. You don't have to take responsibility for this. For many of us, at least what I know about living in the U.S., many of us are taught to be terrible to ourselves. That being harsh to ourselves brings change.
We talked about this in the last few episodes. It's absolutely ingrained in so many of us. I'm tempted to give a laundry list of how marketers, charlatans, -isms, and systems have tricked us into thinking we're broken or evil or [00:09:00] unfit. Just how we've been told that we're not good enough just as we are, in a million different ways, that we need to be fixed, and it's not true.
We talk about this a lot at Joy Lab. Henry likes to say, "Stop it!" Stop that thinking. It's not true. Of course, we can all do better and that's empowering, but we're not broken. We don't need to be fixed.
These strategies that we can look to, to handle backdraft, to just let those old ways of doing, um, those old lessons we may have learned, leave us. There's some key strategies that we can use when we're working with things like compassion and self-compassion to handle this backdraft.
And a little disclaimer here, though, I wanna say as well, that these are just tips. And if you're experiencing a lot of backdraft, it's really important to get some support [00:10:00] from someone who can help you through like a licensed mental health professional or a trusted friend or an elder who has nothing but love and acceptance for you.
So the first strategy to handle some of this backdraft is to stop and then yield. This is particularly important if you're feeling that fireball of backdraft. If you've got trauma that's coming up, if it's overwhelming, it's probably a good idea to stop. Close the door, back up for a moment, and get some support.
A therapist, a trusted practitioner if you have access, a close friend, a family member, whoever can support you so those old wounds can get some oxygen that they need to heal to scar over, uh, to no longer be a burden. And then to go really slow with the practices that feel good for you. My husband is a firefighter and he told me how careful they are when it comes to a situation like this [00:11:00] with an unventilated fire. Where a closed up space might lead to backdraft, or these other pretty intense situations, sometimes they'll even, uh, close up other windows or doors once they enter the larger space. They create an environment that they can handle. They're careful and they talk to each other. Sometimes they'll poke small holes in the space to let the space open up a little oxygen in a little of the volatile stuff comes out.
Uh, we can do the same with these practices. A little bit of self-compassion in, let a bit of the volatile stuff out enough that doesn't knock you off your feet. Let it smoke away little bit by little bit with support.
The second strategy is feel it to heal it. So if possible, and the sensations are not too overwhelming, try to identify where you feel the emotion.
So we might feel it in your chest, [00:12:00] um, in your heart like constriction or in your gut, like queasiness or your jaw or back, like tension. Just give it a notice. And then put some touch on that part of your body if you can. Your own warm hand, or a weighted blanket, or something that reminds you of ease or healing.
Um, it could be a stone or an old stuffed animal. Take some deep breaths. Just let that sensation drift out.
If noticing, the body sensation becomes overwhelming, and that can totally happen, come back to the sensation of your feet just on the ground, or notice where you feel good in your body. You could even just go dig in the dirt or dance or another physical practice that can be a bit distracting and nourishing.
The third strategy is to name it to tame it. I like these little rhyming tools. When these sensations come up, [00:13:00] um, these sensations of backdraft, can you notice exactly what it is? Like what feels the most loud or real? Is it anger, grief, embarrassment, shame, jealousy? So often we push down the stuff we don't wanna name or admit, but no emotion is bad.
And when we can name them, without self-judgment, then we can let them move on and we can make a wise action or next step if we need to. So you can kind of approach it like an archeologist. No judgment, just an observation. Just letting those old dinosaur bones walk their way out. Uh, that ability to step back and just let some of those things walk by to name them and then let them walk on by can be really powerful.
So those are three strategies to help you navigate what may feel like an uncomfortable experience [00:14:00] when you first venture into these practices. I've totally been there. And certainly we all need different supports and paths to recover, to rebalance, to uncover our joy, but self-compassion and really all of our elements of joy are, in my opinion,
pretty much non-negotiable. They're like food and water. We need them to feel nourished and joyful, and we can all practice them and build them. It just takes work, but it is worth it. So I'll send you off with some wisdom from Madonna. She said, "I am my own experiment. I am my own work of art." And I'll add, be good to yourselves, joyful scientists.
You are a work of art.
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